My day started okay. But now I have become anxious. I feel restless and more than a little useless. I am not sure if I should take some medication, go for a walk (it is very cold outside), or just try to work through it all. So, I am writing about it.
The cycle of ups and downs makes me anxious, which, in turn, makes the ups and downs more pronounced. The cycle has extended and is not as long as it once was. The thoughts that used to dominate are not there anymore replaced by other concerns that I should be thinking about but just cannot find the energy. I constantly feel on the margin of life – ready to fall off the edge at any point. I am often (read: always) embarrassed by the way I feel so for years I have hidden behind a mask until the emotions finally exploded. Awareness of how I feel has increased with time and now I am able to name it before it gets on top of me. But sometimes I would just like some balance and some certainty.
I have listened to my favourite music (classic 80s), I have watched a little TV (The Big Bang Theory), and read a little (Kierkegaard), but the feeling is still there. I have prayed and, while I know God is present in the midst of the darkness, the darkness remains. Writing this has helped and I feel a little better – naming it for what it is. I will try to post again this afternoon to update the world.