I know but I do not feel it yet

I have been listening to the previous song. So I thought I would share the lyrics:

You’ve owned your fear and all your self-loathing
You’ve owned the voices inside of your head
You’ve owned the shame and reproach of your failure
It’s time to own your belovedness

You’ve owned your past and how it’s defined you
You’ve owned everything everybody else says
It’s time to hear what your father has spoken
It’s time to own your belovedness

He says, “You’re mine, I smiled when I made you
I find you beautiful in every way
My love for you is fierce and unending
I’ll come to find you, whatever it takes
My beloved”

You’ve owned the mess you see in the mirror
You’ve owned the lies that you’re just not enough
You’ve been so blinded by all you’re comparing
It’s time to own your belovedness

He says, “You’re mine, I smiled when I made you
I find you…

Belovedness by Sarah Kroger

This song does sum up my life. I like how it goes from past tense (owned) to the present (He says). That is life in Jesus – always now. But leaving the past behind is very hard. I struggle everyday with the guilt and shame of my past – “You’ve been so blinded by all you’re comparing”. And I want to take responsibility for everything even those parts which are not me.

Part of my life is owning the voices in my head – the negative self-talk that is my constant companion. And ignoring the negative voices that have tried to define me for a long time – the voices that are saying that I am simply “not enough”. I want to “own the mess”.

I know that only time will heal and in the right time God will give me some clarity. And I know that I am loved right now in Jesus. But the constant struggle between my head and my heart is the very root of my depression. Owning it and writing about it is part of the healing process for me.

I know all of that but I do not feel it yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s