Alone?

I feel very overwhelmed. I am facing a hurdle that is not of my making but for which I feel responsible. The very thought of it brings me to tears. I am trying to not engage with the overthinking, trying to let it pass through me, but it is harder than normal this morning. My counsellor helped me yesterday but I feel like I have regressed in regard to my anxiety and depression. I know what I should be doing (in my head) but my heart just does not agree and is actually holding me back.

I have tried this journey on my own for almost 50 years. I have “toughed out” the darkness and just kept going. I have lived with the anxiety and have just hidden the screaming voice inside of me. I have worn a mask that has been handed to me by other people. A mask I convinced myself was the right thing to do, the Godly thing to wear.

So someone sent me the above song this morning. I am extremely thankful for the people God has placed in my life: some by blood, and some by a common faith and Lord. I still feel the disappointment of past failures and I really like to overthink those and what they say about me. But God speaks through people! People that draw me back to Jesus and to His community. People that literally hold my hand when it gets difficult and dark.

Today I am hoping to go for a walk, maybe record a podcast, and finish The Young Pope. And have a nice cup of tea. I am hoping to get some time to pray and just sit silently in God’s presence. And in the silence to hear God speak to me rather than listening to the voices that hold me back.

I hope you have a Jesus filled day!

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