I have some real balance at the moment. I still feel “down” at times but I have learned to live with it and not let it stop me. I am still anxious but have some a “bigger view” that allows me to put it in a greater context. Most of that is thanks to a magnificent counsellor who has spent lots of time on me and has encouraged me. And a counsellor who has pointed me beyond myself to Jesus!!!
So what does balance look like for me?
I am by nature quiet. I am not a great talker and like to observe. In fact, I like to sit and read in silence! In the past, with anxiety and depression, I tried to act like I was the “life of the party”. And often looked like an idiot, which, of course, made me more anxious and then more depressed. I have accepted (and that is the real insight) who I am and that sometimes I like to sit and not talk. I like silence and alone time. I try not to be rude – I say “try” as I think I am often very rude. I need other people. But I would rather an intense conversation for a few minutes than a long conversation about nothing much.
I am weird and intense. I think the two go together. My interests are outside the norm. In the past I have tried to come back to the mainline. But, to be honest, the things that interest “normal people” simply do not get me excited. I can keep a conversation going about a particular sport or politics but that is not the conversation I seek. I like ideas, strange people, and intense conversations about Jesus and theology. I like talking about books on philosophy or theology. I will quote with a reference in a general conversation and I know that is really weird.
I have changed a lot over the last three months. And I am not sure where the next three will bring me! But the insights I have gained are a gift from God. And my personality is a gift from God. I might be quiet, weird, and intense but that also brings gifts that I can use for other people. God will reveal where things are going in His time. At the moment I am called to be open to Him and to live now for Jesus.