I have been thinking about life in general. Not a particular path but just life.
Someone at work (who has been especially kind, helpful, and supportive) has encouraged me to think about what I really want to do. So seeing my job as bringing me some income but not much meaning. Something I do outside of work to bring meaning. More than a hobby – what is my vocation (to use Christian terminology). Not in the sense of the religious life (which I do think I am called to) but what is my vocation beyond that. I do feel called to some form of religious life whether in a community with vows or individually without vows. Yet a life that is centred on a relationship with Jesus with time for contemplation.
Let me put it another way: Thomas Aquinas says that the natural end of contemplation is to communicate. What he means (methinks) is that the contemplative needs to carry their union with God into relationships with others. The contemplative has a divine call to draw others into the union with Jesus that is the aim of their life. So the two vocations are inseparably united: contemplation and sharing the insights.
So, this will maybe be a surprise to you, but I have always felt a deep calling to sing! Oops, that should be writing. Taking some of the things that I have “learned” (sorry, that is not the best word) and putting them down on “paper” for others to engage with. My model is Kierkegaard who lived life and put his experiences and insights into various types of writings – stories, discourses (sermons), letters. Kierkegaard did not always use the direct approach – he does not tell you what to think but his writings engage your heart and “enflame your desire for Jesus”.
In the past, I had motivation from the outside. I have to find motivation from inside now. I have to overcome my fear of being judged or misunderstood. And, yes, my fear of being laughed at and ridiculed. In other words, I have to write for myself rather than others – I have to not write to be read.
So that is where I am at!