Day 9

I thought I would sit down and write a little before the day gets ahead of me.

It has been a hard start: I could not get the words out for Morning Pray, found no peace during meditation, and was very distracted during the streamed Mass. I have had two days of being with people so maybe it is a “people hangover”?

I was hoping to sit down today with my friends Soren, Julian, and Thomas. (And of course, with my friend Jesus.) But at the moment my mind is racing and my heart is all over the place.

So I am fighting the urge to eat for comfort, or to simply watch TV for the rest of the day. Please pray for me today and especially tomorrow.

Heart of Jesus, have mercy.

being me?

Today, in Australia, is a public holiday for the Queen’s Birthday. So in honour of Her Royal Majesty, I have been watching the UK version of Humans. It is based on Swedish series called Real Humans.

In short, AI (called “synths” in the show) becoming conscious – feeling, thinking, and living in freedom. They embody various human traits – caring, agression, “philosopher”, etc. I like the way the UK does TV!

While the consciousness theme is fascinating, I have been struck by a question repeated throughout the series: “what is it like to be you?”. Of course, there is no answer because there is no point of reference. The question illustrates Existential Loneliness – only I know what it is like to be me. And the quote on my email signature comes to mind:

The formula that describes the state of the self when despair is completely rooted out is this: in relating itself to itself and in willing to be itself, the self rests transparently in the power that established it.

SUD

I feel like a large part of modern life is all about avoiding the question or escaping into “false answers”. (Doesn’t Merton write about that in No Man is An Island?) So the most important question in my life, who am I?, has to be faced alone before God. I can try to give an answer to others. But there is absolutely no need to justifiy myself to others – my beliefs or my actions. There is only One to whom I must answer – “the power that established me”. In the end I have to answer to my Creator by being “me”. I have to hold in tension the various aspects of my life – freedom and necessaity are at the top of my life at the moment.

So may the Heart of Jesus have mercy on you today!