I have a very stressful week ahead. A lot happening that I am not ready to face. I have had a headache for three days that I am sure is the stress related to the anxiety that I am feeling.
So my first reaction is to dream about being a hermit – to live alone somewhere without contact or interaction with other people. Recluse would be a better term – or a solitary. The other option is to enter some monastery somewhere and disappear. The problem is that I do not have a vocation to the religious life – either as an individual or within a community. To be honest, I am unsure if I have any vocation or calling. I have tried to wear various masks during my life – masks that often others gave me or that I thought others wanted me to wear. So I think this would just be another version of a mask that has been given to me by someone else.
I know for certain that it would just be a form of escapism. I like to run away from my problems rather than face them. I procrastinate because I cannot face the world. So I would be running from the world rather than to religious life.
I have learned over the last three months and I am extremely grateful for the people who have helped me. I also carry the pain of people who have decided that they cannot bare with me any longer. And that pain is so real at the moment that it colours everything in my life.
In the end I am alone before God. I have to act – no one else can act for me or on my behalf. I have to face my actions and the consequences. Hopefully I will be able to look back on this time and see it as a time of growth. But right now I am anxious and stressed.
So hermitage – yes or no?